When people hear I used to negotiate with terrorists, they assume I must love hardball tactics, anchoring, ultimatums, take it or leave it
Nope. That stuff gets you killed. Literally and figuratively. Today, I'm going to bust the five most dangerous myths in negotiation
the ones that tank your deals, stall your career, and ruin relationships before they start
Myth number one, get them to say yes. Of course, the myth is that the goal is to get them to say
yes as fast as possible. Wrong. Yes is a trap. People say yes to get rid of you
In fact, yes can be one of the biggest red flags in a negotiation
If they say yes too quickly, they may not have the authority
They may be placating you. They may be setting you up to fail with their team The truth No It safer It makes people feel protected in control
instead of, would you be open to discussing this further? Try. Is now a bad time to talk
Or, would it be ridiculous for us to explore a better way forward
No oriented questions deactivate threat and invite real dialogue. Myth number two, start with common ground
The myth is you need to build rapport by finding common ground first
Sounds nice, but intense or complex negotiations, it's a waste. When someone's skeptical, nervous, or even hostile, they don't care if you both like skiing in Vail
They don't care if you played Little League baseball as a kid
The truth? Build trust by showing you understand their pain. That's tactical empathy
Lead with an accusations on it. You probably thinking this is just another sales call It might feel like I pushing an agenda here This clears emotional landmines before you step on them Myth number three state your value proposition or your elevator speech
or whatever they're calling it these days. The myth is to lead with your value. Tell them why
they need you. Classic mistake. You think you're helping, they think you're selling
In high-stakes negotiations, the more you talk, the more they distrust you
Why? Because the brain is wired to defend. When someone's pitching, we instinctively brace ourselves
So the truth? If you can handle the truth? Let them discover the value
How? Use calibrated questions. Like, how does this line up with what you're trying to solve
Or, what's the biggest obstacle you're facing right now? Ask questions that begin with what or how, which make them articulate their need
Now they selling you the problem to solve Myth number four control the conversation The myth is whoever controls a conversation wins So you talk and talk and talk Congratulations You now in what we call
the agreement graveyard. The real truth, real control comes from having the upper hand in the
negotiation. The secret to gaining the upper hand in a negotiation is giving the other side
the illusion of control. How you do this? Strategic silence and great listening. Let's say you're
pitching a big deal. You ask, what are the biggest roadblocks to getting this across the finish line
Then you shut up. Get a PhD and shut up. Silence not just forces their thinking
but creates a space for them to think and to feel connected to you without feeling forced or pushed
And then they can't resist filling that silence. That's where the gold is when they fill the silence
Studies show people's space for them to think and to feel connected to you